hey there, can i have your opinion

[blueczarina]

i am writing a story, which when done, i am going to try and get published, and i wanted to know if i posted some of it here, if you all might read it and give some feedback. i have had sevreal people reading it already, but they are all my good friends and i don’t know if they are just saying nice things cause they are being nice, or if they really like it. (not to say you all aren’t good friends, but you know what i mean) so if i post if can i get an opinon or two on it?

oh, it is a high fantasy story, which i will hopefully be turning into a novel, perhaps a series.

thanks bullet

[Arthur]

I’m game. Eat you alive, bullet!

Or, when it’s good, praise you all the way up to cloud nine.

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

ok, as soon as i get back from getting my son off the bus i will post what i have so far, then you let me know, k?

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

ok, i’m back, well, now i am posting the story, the name of it right now is Rednigh Kingdom. it is just a working title. and if you don’t like it, tell me why, and if you think some parts move to slow or are dumb, please tell me. i need feedback. here is what i have so far. (and i don’t wanna hear nothing about the names, i like them and they are staying, it is my little nod to sp)

edit**

i have taken off the story–it is being rewriten now. i will repost once i am happy with it. do not worry if you would like to read this version more go to my blog, by way of the www on my profile!!

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

let me know thanks

[Arthur]

Praise. Cloud nine, if you ask me. Beautiful story bullet, really. Well written, maybe for a bit younger aged audience, nevertheless I loved reading it at age 40+. Making those guys \"disappear\" faster and faster gives excitement and tension to the story, and at the end of what you published here, I’m getting very curious what is happening, why have they moved to this other world. The conversations between persons flow nicely, like in real life I guess, and also the things they do seem natural. I would say, a (more than) pretty nice start of a science fiction children’s novel, am I correct?

The only critics I have is a typo I found: \"besuty\". Big deal… (not).

And don’t ask me if you will have a chance to get this published, because I wouldn’t know. You deserve it if it was to me, but I’m not involved in the publishing area…

Keep it up, this fan wants to read the next chapters!

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

thanks, yeah, i am going for the younger teen crowd, that likes high fantasy. so glad you liked it. a bit releaved really, i was waiting for the bad reviews. i will post more for you to read if you like, this is all i have typed up so far, but as soon as i get more i can post it. thanks for reading it arthur.

[Superlordspamulon]

BREAK NOT BRAKE!

Anyway, i thought it was only alright to be honest. It didn’t really grip me and for a magical fantasy, it felt a bit mundane.

Firstly: You need to vary your sentence structure more. It felt a little monotonous and boring.

Secondly: You need more description, make it vivid too! For instance, when they appeared as a group in the field (or whatever), you didn’t describe much. You had a fantastic opportunity to make this place seem truly astounding through description, but you just didn’t. Same applies to things like speech, character etc. (Metaphors go a long way, by the way. Just make them original )

[Arthur]

I do not agree with you Superlordspamulon, but my problem is maybe that English is not my first language. So I imagine a lot in my mind to make English stories lively, as I cannot read between the lines all the times. You can I guess, and notice other things than I would.

This first piece of bullet made my mind wonder, it tickled my fantasy to create the surroundings like a movie in my head, and that’s positive, at least to me. But you read it with English as your first language, so probably both our judgements couldn’t be compared and are both true in it’s own sense.

Do I make sense?

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

well, thank you superlord, your critiques are apreciated as well, i was worried about the sentace structure, thank you for bringing that up. revisions are in order. and the imagry, yes good point.

but the overall story idea, does it bring you in?

and i will work on it. please feel free to comment with any more sugestions.

thank you both arthur and superlord, both very helpful!!

[Superlordspamulon]

The story sounds interesting so far. Obviously, it still has time to develop and i have no idea what you’re planning but please, don’t be generic. Don’t do the same \"Band of people become friends and save the world etc.\" story… or at least make it unique enough to stand out.

I hate cliched stories with a passion. So don’t fall into that trap!

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

oh, no

i hate that also, big things are comming, and deaths, unfornunatly, but i will not go all tarantino on you. but there will be twists and turns, i have the story in my head, it is just hard getting it out on the paper (so to say).

it will be anything but the same.

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

also, superlord, that is what i needed to hear, as much as i needed to hear that arthur loved it. i need someone to tell me to fix this, make that better, otherwise i wouldn’t be able to do my best. and arthur liking it, helps me also, to know that it doesn’t suck ass, there is hope

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

edit**

again story is on my blog, will repost as soon as i am happy with it. thank you again to arthur, superlord, and czarina for all of your engouragement and help.

you guys rock.

[Superlordspamulon]

Better! I’m liking this version a lot better, although improvements can be made.

Excuse me whilst i rewrite the first two paragraphs.

To them it felt like the most fantastical dream. Two beautiful old women held hands and smiled at them from a field of emerald green grass, with two deep crimson suns setting behind them; the clouds shone pink and orange and the breeze lightly played around them, making the grass shimmer in the dwindling light. It felt as if they were floating. In their minds they heard a soft voice, two intertwined as one, whispering them to sleep.
“Welcome children, we are Rowen and Magnolia, The Eldur. We have brought you here to ask for your help: There are abilities that you possess that will help return our land to the peaceful place it once was. Now you don’t have to us give us aid, but it would certainly appreciate.”
Slowly eyes closed, and one by one they were asleep.

As the eight slept Connor and Owen walked around them, a soft white mist hun g in the air; it wove around the sleeping bodies, swirling and twisting. Pictures kept forming in the mist – the twins had never seen such magic. As the pictures danced, Connor and Owen kept pacing, making sure each sleeping body was not in danger. Connor bent his head over a boy with shaggy brown hair and lightly smiled.
“Owen, this one, he has the wild magic.”
“Should we tell Rowen and Magnolia?”
“They know. He will help to heal the land. He has the most powerful wild magic I have ever felt – but why hasn’t his hair turned?”
“Maybe it is because he is not from here.”
“Maybe…” Connor answered, but his mind had wandered to the girl in the party dress. She was so beautiful.

Spot the differences!

Remember – a thesaurus is always good. Try not to repeat memorable words too often, and definitely do not describe the same action or whatever the same way. For example – \"They walked around… (insert some sentences) they walked around…\"

And vary your grammar! Utilizing : ; , . – etc. where appropriate and when correctly done can add a lot of impact!

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

i have been reading to many books on wrting, that is my problem i think, i reall yliked your workding on those two paragraphs, i might steal some of the sentaces.

thank you for your advice, your pushing yesterday really got me in a mood to make it better, instead of langushing in the mundaine.

oh, that sounded good

well thank you again, and i will be back with more betterness (not the best grammer i know)

[Superlordspamulon]

Steal what you like!

I don’t mind at all

[blueczarina]

I like the general concept for the story, the writing does need a little work still. As far as language mechanics are concerned, you have a tendency to string along dependent clauses. This can sound choppy and can be laborious for the reader. I think you have a few sentence fragments too. (esp. recheck the paragraph that begins with \"As the mist grew…\") You need to vary sentence structure and length more. It’s not good to overuse compound-complex sentence structures. You need more of a variety. Sometimes the sentences with the most impact are well crafted small ones. Backing away from overly complex sentences will also help you keep grammar and punctuation more in check, as that can easily get away from you the longer a sentence is. Vary how you begin each sentence as well.
Remember sentence length and structure, if used right, can be utilized to heighten impact. Long fluid sentences can be used to convey things like time (a long history) or they can reinforce a panoramic description of some landscape. They also can carrying the reader away or can be used to convey a drift of thought. Short sentences can assist in conveying sharp, pointed emotions. They are abrupt and suggested suddenness in the action. Small sentence often have the strongest impact.
You need to work on stronger imagery as well. This will flush out the world encapsulated in the story better. Think more poetic. Using a thesaurus is a good idea. You need to vary word choice and find words that will elicit a stronger response from the reader. This will help enhance the imagery in the story too. Make sure you know the full connotative meaning of words you might find in the thesaurus though, so you are saying exactly what intend. Imagery is especially important with fantasy type stories. You need to create a world that is mesmerizing enough to draw in the reader.
Poetic devices can be helpful too. Everything from basic similes and metaphors to the repetition of sounds can affect a piece. Metaphors and similes can enhance both meaning and imagery. Repetition of a word or phrase can accomplish several things. It can draw attention to an idea, give a sense of repeated action over a long period of time, or it can draw a reader out almost like a mantra. The sounds of words can affect a work too. They can invoke music or even suggest certain emotions or qualities. There is a device called consonance, which refers to the repetition of consonant sounds whether it is the first letter or an internal one.
“h”-an aspirate; invokes a feeling of fatigue or hardship in carrying out a specific action
“g”,”k”-gutturals; are harsh and conveys difficulty, something strenuous
“b”,”p”- bilabial plosives; convey explosiveness
“d”,”t”- dental fricatives; still explosive, but signal a winding down in the action
“m”,”n”- nasals; hypnotic like a mantra
“l”- liquid; rolls along, creates a nice flow
Vowels can also be used in this manner, something called assonance. Onomatopoeia, the use of words that imitate sounds, can be a useful device as well. They are loud and have an especially high impact. Personification is another device and can be used to further develop imagery. It can really add to a story when used well. It heightens impact, taking a simple description of a place or the weather up a notch. Synecdoche, the mentioning of a part of something to represent the whole, also improves imagery. An example of this would be something like
A thousand eyes gazed upon him as he nervously walked on stage.
As opposed to
A thousand people looked at him as he nervously walked on stage.
There are really an endless number of devices that can be used. Here is a link to more http://www.virtualsalt.com/rhetoric.htm. Learning how to use language to its full potential and developing an understanding of how everything from syntax to diction can affect a piece is key. You have good ideas, now you need to work on how to better package them. I do like your story; it just needs to be pushed further. I hope I haven’t overwhelmed or offended you. As I mentioned once before, I’m a lit minor, maybe major (haven’t decided), so that’s the source of this type of analysis. I hope this helps you further in developing your story, because I think it has great potential.

[bullettwoutbutterflywings]

thanks, you are all really helpfull, glad i asked for your opinions!!

[blueczarina]

your welcome

[Author]

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