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This one’s a rough ride, so read on at caution and not if you’re feeling unhappy… It’ll end on a nicer note, however.
So, long story short: I was a genuine suicidal 19 y/o, many years ago.
Over the years, I’d reached a downward spiral point – that then took me 7 months to notice the medication I’d been taking. I took this until the age of 25, whereby one day I found the strength to cut it all out for good. The Doctors actually found it amusing how I \"took the law into my own hands.\"
I spent some times in Hospital (or Nuthouse for the jokers), in the nicer of three areas. There were the Mad, the Bad and the Sad. Fortunately, I was an S.
Now at age 36, after quite the shitty – yet not insanely bad – life, suicide’s been on my mind a lot. Not committing it, understanding the journey that lead up to.
2008’s been quite a year, I’ve faced death straight in the face and will apparently hold it off now (thank bleep for that!), or until something untoward happened.
I’ve stopped a great friend killing himself (he was even going to with two Sons). Seen my Mother head into, out of, into and now out of Depression herself. I’ll make it my business to see she stays this positive side of the fence.
Several funerals have taken place in and around me, friends and family, it’s been quite the ride.
Recently I had a bad nightmare about my demise and instead of waking up, went through the whole ordeal.
The strange part happened only this week, like something finally threw a switch. Like an unknown force was watching and made the decisions.
At the point and age of not wanting to die, something made me feel that hey, things really aren’t that bad.
My best friend did some things that secured me for the future, I should never be hungry or homeless in years ahead. Peace of mind in this respect. Money can’t buy that.
A Novel I’m working on suddenly clicked; to where I think this is -the- one, the Publishers will want it out there and I’ll always have remnants in existence, long after my death.
I don’t know, it’s like my punishment’s run its course now, anything I’ve said and done wrong has been accounted for. The good I’ve showed to others is being rewarded and I never thought to ask.
On odd days I still feel I’d be better off gone, that my friends and family could come to terms with it. However, why die relatively young when there’s so many adventures ahead? We’re dead a long time anyway, what’s the rush?
The moral of my little story, if there must be one, is that any shit can be turned into gold. \"Life’s a bitch and then you die\" will always be my favourite saying!
As corny as it sounds, you guys reading this right now, the Smashing Pumpkins playing out there, Mother Nature just feet away. All of this means so much more than we sometimes admit.
I’m proud and glad to be here, even on days where I just can’t see past the mists. Maybe just about…
Perhaps I should end my strange little writings with a Jerry Springer moment, maybe make you think if you’ve read this far on:
Whichever way you slice it, bread is bread. Butter it, cheese it, jam/jelly it, toast it. It’s still bread. That’s all it’ll ever just be.
Yet bread, it tastes nice more often than nasty… Hope yours is always nice.
^ Actually, that now sounds like something from the Brady Bunch: \"Remember kids, wherever you go, there you are!\" How can you not smile at that. Rhetoric question.
Thanks for listening, this is 36 super-condensed years trimmed of all excess, into as many minutes.
Hope it was worth your time and the bread’s great today.
Salutes.
– D.
\\m/
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Whoa, that was something to read…I guess I can say is even though you go through those times they are relevant to you growing spiritually (not religiously) and receiving the light that Billy talks about-think about it
this goes for all people with their life struggles…
But congrats on knowing how your experiences can further help guide others…
I enjoyed it and it made me hungry for some bread…lol -
soon, i’ll find myself alone, to relax and fade away….
okay. on the surface of this thread, not a lot going on. suicide, etc. and i don’t think the point of this thread is to dwell on suicidal tendicies, rather, overcoming them.
with that said, i’d like to share with you, dazey, my personal struggle with depression and anxiety. it is an everyday struggle for me. i take medication, and i feel that the medication for the anxiety works, and the medication for the depression may not.
i have the hardest time getting out of bed sometimes. even after 8, 10, 12 hours of sleep. fuck it, i’m comfortable. i realize how strange that is, and have sought help to correct it.
i’ve never pictured myself in an \"asylum\", but wouldn’t give two shits if that’s where i ended up. why? just motherfucking ’cause. (to be addressed later, hopefully).
like you, i’ve learned to appreciate the smallest happy moments in life. the things that make me laugh, bring me joy, or just cry. i believe that’s is what life is about. the rollercoaster. ups and downs. life would not be life w/o it.
life is defined by the struggle. think about it…imagine you had everything you wanted. no worries, no cares, no sadness, no NOTHING. you have it all, w/o having shit. that’s how i view it. the blessed are only blessed if they are aware and continue to make and STRUGGLE to make each day a blessing.
so, i believe conflict and struggle are what develops character, but moreover, what actually defines life.
crap dazey, i don’t feel like this response gave your post justice. i’ll return later w/ more.
and you stole my rock hands!!!!!!!!!
\\m/
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Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burnI used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
Whats a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to youDisarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one whos left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burnI used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
Whats a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to youThe killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you -
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not to go into a bunch right now, but every day i am fighting against the urge to take my own life, every day i walk that tightrope. it feels like an edge that i can’t step away from. i gave up on my medicine a long time ago. i have good days, but this past week they have been mostly bad. but i have to drag my ass out of bed every morning to get my son ready for school, and every day i go on for him. him and sp, and really all of you guys keep me going.
so now that i am crying i will stop, take a breath and a drink of pop and go on. every day is just one small moment at a time.
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we all have so much in common. i am on antidepressants too. i think they are helping me. and like you guys said, i try to appreciate the simple things in life. mostly nature, like your pic of a sunrise. the simple things like that make me remember that life is beautiful. and of course sp’s music is one of the beautiful things in life. i am so glad that i registered on sp.com back in december. if not i wouldn’t have met any of you guys. it is awesome to have you guys to talk to and share our love for sp and share our problems and kinda help each other out
before i signed up, no one around me understood my obsession with sp. i had to basically keep it all inside. and now i love the fact that there are lots of people just like me and we have found each other. sometimes it really helps me get through the day -
not to go into a bunch right now, but every day i am fighting against the urge to take my own life, every day i walk that tightrope. it feels like an edge that i can’t step away from. i gave up on my medicine a long time ago. i have good days, but this past week they have been mostly bad. but i have to drag my ass out of bed every morning to get my son ready for school, and every day i go on for him. him and sp, and really all of you guys keep me going.
so now that i am crying i will stop, take a breath and a drink of pop and go on. every day is just one small moment at a time.[/quote:3856b326]
oh Bullet I know exactly how you feel. On Sunday I told my hubby if it weren’t for my children & SP I wouldn’t want to be here…He of course made a smart ass comment at that time-no help and mocked me today for it….
so now I feel like I am back to square 1 -
as i said earlier
you ALL better be sticking around for the long haul.
[/quote:275v05ea]we better not be losing any freakies.
i know what you guys mean about life sucking ass at times though. i know i have never said much about my family or anything here, but they are pretty fucked up- lots of crap. it use to really bother me when i was a kid and i have always had a touch of the mellon collie because of it, but now i think i just accept that things will always be fucked up and i have written off most of my relatives so they don’t bother me much anymore. i guess you could say i have done some pruning on what i consider to be my family tree.
i think i just kind of accepted the fact that my family mostly sucks- it can’t be changed, they won’t change- and i’ve decided that i might as well focus on myself and doing my own thing rather they waiting for them to decide i meet up to their retarded standards. they aren’t worth it.
it may not be the best method for coping with the crap in my life, but i have pretty much just said screw it all and have moved on. plus, i have school and my future to focus on and the knowledge that i can do something better with my life. if i’m ever feeling bad though i just listen to the SP real loud on my mp3. it kind of makes everything melt away and i feel better for it. plus, it is really nice to come to a place like this where everyone is pretty supportive of one another and i can have a laugh and share my love of the SP- something my family knows nothing about as they would think it was stupid. plus, sometimes i can be a bit introverted in real life and i prefer to keep the little things that have special meaning for me to myself- it just seems personal to me and like something not worth sharing with someone who could never get it.
so i just kind of do my thing- keep plodding along. i have little things that keep me happy and keep me going- my art, reading, here, the SP, work, school, and my future plans for life- and probably a bit of a scrappy side that isn’t about to be dragged down by all the crap. and you guys better keep plugging along too. things can get better and if the big picture sucks- focus on those small things that bring you joy and give you a reason for living.
and i am now reallizing that my sig makes it look like all my posts are coming from a crackhead, but oh well.
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I’m so moved by all the things you guys have said. All my complaints have just shrunk to nothing. I have a very sucky family life myself, but, as Czarina said, it’s not like it’s going to change.
I’m not going to be like my family, after all. I’m not going to stay in my comfort zone and throw my life away. I am different, I have a brighter future ahead of me, and yet, I’ve been so stupid as to harm myself…
But I see and know better now, I know, I am sure that I will be successful!
And that Disarm posted up there…that songs means so so much to me, I would always listen to it, and cry, cry, cry. It helped.
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Cheers all, you rawk.
We’ll all make it somehow, through thick and thin.
Always some empathy from fellow Pumpkins it seems, nobody can take that away imho, which just gives even more hope.
A friend of mine says that Depression’s addictive and in time you can come to enjoy being sad.
I suppose when you think about it, that’s true.Seems very hard to be happy at times, yet doesn’t take a lot to wallow.
I agree that the little things matter most of all, anything money can’t buy makes life worthwhile even during the insufferable times.
Oh and blue, seriously, one of the most intelligent things I’ve ever read regarding your outlook on family, etc. I always say 99% of problems are caused by other people…
I’m off to find some fresh bread for breakfast, I’ll raise a slice to all of you… Hoping it tastes juuust fine.
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Well i think is my turn now.
Just read all the things you said guys and decided to share a little bit of me too.Thanks God i think i have a good family. Yes we have shity moments too, but who don’t? At the end i think we really care for each other, and we are a suportive family.
But…
I had some shity moments in my life too. A few years ago i was on depression too. A relashionchip that almost killed me…
4 years later, i think finally i’m ok, and ready to live my life again, and maybe find someone that love me and respect me. In that time, i learned how to be happy with myself, and how to enjoy the simple things in life, so at this moment, i can say that i’m a more mature, and that i’m confidend and happy person.
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and yes, i agree Marcella- this bunch here does not suck ass.[/quote:2vh82jsr]
Very much agree. I have no stories about suicidal tendencies to share, nor have I ever taken medicines, also never went to a psycho for myself… So I couldn’t really feel what you guys are feeling. Still, please know, I’m with you. It’s absolutely a great privilege for me to know all of you on this silly website, and that you feel @ home enough here to share these personal things from almost all over the world. You are wonderful persons, and a joy to be with. Love you guys! Be good & stay healthy!
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Hope the new oboard has this kind of atmosphere[/quote:9i1jpbhy]
i’m not sure it could be like this there. it will be too big with too many people and too many opportunities for major conflict. plus, big boards are more impersonal usually.
i think what makes this such a nice, welcoming, comfortable place is the fact that we are a really small bunch who mostly get along and have kind of got to know eachother during our time here. and i think the fact that we know a lot about eachother and spend so much time going back a forth and being chatty maybe makes it so we avoid being asses to eachother because its not totally like your talking to a stranger- just some username and a pic- but rather a real person. you can have some of that on a bigger board- thepumpkins.net for example- but it really isn’t quite the same as it is here because we are so small.
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i’m not sure it could be like this there. it will be too big with too many people and too many opportunities for major conflict. plus, big boards are more impersonal usually.
i think what makes this such a nice, welcoming, comfortable place is the fact that we are a really small bunch who mostly get along and have kind of got to know eachother during our time here. and i think the fact that we know a lot about eachother and spend so much time going back a forth and being chatty maybe makes it so we avoid being asses to eachother because its not totally like your talking to a stranger- just some username and a pic- but rather a real person. you can have some of that on a bigger board- thepumpkins.net for example- but it really isn’t quite the same as it is here because we are so small.[/quote:qvodjrpt]
Small or big, when someone is a real ass to other members or has nothing else but "fuck you!" or the likes to contribute, he or she should be banned. Moderation is key I guess. I think all active forums manage to do that in some way, except for one: "The Roman Empire". -
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So yeah, depression is addictive. I’m not sure this is \"quite\" accurate, but I think it’s pretty close. I think thought patterns are easily repeated, and negative ones sure don’t help. You can easily fall into a cyclic rhythm, where negativity feeds into depression, and depression feeds into the negative thoughts. When you’re down in the hole, so to speak, it’s hard to break that cycle. It’s also hard to want to. It’s hard to even care. So begins the whirlpool. How do you even look up when you can’t breathe and waves are constantly bashing you into the surf?
It’s also so chique. Rainbows, peace, love, happiness…rings of hippies. I think our society associates these values with a time long passed. I have a hard time blaming them. Let’s all be gay, hold hands, kiss one another, and all is well. That just isn’t reality. If it is, you are sleeping.
I often wonder how anyone can NOT be depressed in today’s society. :S I know that’s a pretty disparaging outlook… but realizing things around you are shit is not necessarily a bad thing.
To me? I feel like the worst part of today’s life is just how supposedly easy everything is. I was thinking along a drive home the other day about the earth’s energy crisis, and what I could do to help. Was thinking about different fuels, designs, etc for a car. Not 15 minutes into my thought, did I become distracted by bills, speeding, etc. essentially, shit that has no place in open thought, but it creeped in anyway. i always succomb to this. tis why i never get far, and maybe why my depression tends to perpetuate itself.
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isn’t the mind just crazy…
our thought process can be quite distracting…one moment you could be thinking about happiness, freedom, nature, and the next thing ya know here comes those nagging thoughts about bills, cleaning, trying to figure out day to day expenses…and a ton of other crud that can come to your mind, while you are enjoying those moments of clarity
it can spoil the moment -
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So yeah, depression is addictive… etc.[/quote:13m5nr35]
I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a downward spiral. I think downward spiral is more accurate in some cases, because a bad thing leads to another bad thing, which leads to another bad thing, which makes the first thing worse, which makes the second thing worse, which makes the third thing worse, and so forth.
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So yeah, depression is addictive… etc.[/quote:3hdemf12]
I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a downward spiral. I think downward spiral is more accurate in some cases, because a bad thing leads to another bad thing, which leads to another bad thing, which makes the first thing worse, which makes the second thing worse, which makes the third thing worse, and so forth.[/quote:3hdemf12]
and so fourth….
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So yeah, depression is addictive… etc.[/quote:2ttbox9l]
I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a downward spiral. I think downward spiral is more accurate in some cases, because a bad thing leads to another bad thing, which leads to another bad thing, which makes the first thing worse, which makes the second thing worse, which makes the third thing worse, and so forth.[/quote:2ttbox9l]
and so fourth….
[/quote:2ttbox9l]Ba-dum tsch
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Hey guys, I’m new to this board, but it’s hard but great to find a group of people who are supportive of one another, gosh, anywhere. And it’s great, because you’re all Pumpkins fans too!
I remember being suicidal in high school, and sometimes it seemed like the Pumpkins were the only thing that got me through the rough times. It was like, if I kill myself, I probably won’t be able to hear this song ever again, and if the Pumpkins DO get back together soon, I won’t be able to see them live, and that would suck ass. I have to remember and believe in that dream if it’s going to happen. Their music always reminded me of the good things in life that I enjoy, in a time when it was hard to remember those things, and helped me remember that better days and new growth were possible.
It’s hard to talk about this stuff with other people, especially if they’re not fans of the band. They’ll tell me, \"Sarah, they’re just a rock band.\", but there is so much more to their music, so many interpretations, emotionally and spiritually, that help me grow and see things clearly, and get beyond the depressing and sad things.
Sometimes it’s easy in the short run to runaway and escape things, but the demons always come back if we don’t face them dead on in the first place, which is hard as hell to do, especially if Mommy and Daddy didn’t teach us how to (they’re too busy struggling with their own demons), and we have to fend for ourselves. It’s hard, but not impossible, to overcome, and having love and good music on your side makes things better!
This is uplifting:
17 seconds of compassion
17 seconds of peace
17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created
17 seconds to remember all that is good
17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain
17 seconds of faith
17 seconds to trust you again
17 seconds of radiance
17 seconds to send a prayer up
17 seconds is all you really need -
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Cheers all, you rawk.
A friend of mine says that Depression’s addictive and in time you can come to enjoy being sad.
I suppose when you think about it, that’s true.Seems very hard to be happy at times, yet doesn’t take a lot to wallow.
[/quote:1m0xlq9h]
i agree with this, i think in some weird way i maybe subcontiously enjoy being sad. or maybe it’s all i know how to be. that’s how i came up with my blog title: pleasantly melancholy
but of course i have happy times, it’s like i don’t know how to hold on to the happy feelings, they go right back into the negative ones most of the timebut yes, welcome Iridesce
i also love how supportive and friendly everyone is on here
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