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I like the general concept for the story, the writing does need a little work still. As far as language mechanics are concerned, you have a tendency to string along dependent clauses. This can sound choppy and can be laborious for the reader. I think you have a few sentence fragments too. (esp. recheck the paragraph that begins with \"As the mist grew…\") You need to vary sentence structure and length more. Itâs not good to overuse compound-complex sentence structures. You need more of a variety. Sometimes the sentences with the most impact are well crafted small ones. Backing away from overly complex sentences will also help you keep grammar and punctuation more in check, as that can easily get away from you the longer a sentence is. Vary how you begin each sentence as well.
Remember sentence length and structure, if used right, can be utilized to heighten impact. Long fluid sentences can be used to convey things like time (a long history) or they can reinforce a panoramic description of some landscape. They also can carrying the reader away or can be used to convey a drift of thought. Short sentences can assist in conveying sharp, pointed emotions. They are abrupt and suggested suddenness in the action. Small sentence often have the strongest impact.
You need to work on stronger imagery as well. This will flush out the world encapsulated in the story better. Think more poetic. Using a thesaurus is a good idea. You need to vary word choice and find words that will elicit a stronger response from the reader. This will help enhance the imagery in the story too. Make sure you know the full connotative meaning of words you might find in the thesaurus though, so you are saying exactly what intend. Imagery is especially important with fantasy type stories. You need to create a world that is mesmerizing enough to draw in the reader.
Poetic devices can be helpful too. Everything from basic similes and metaphors to the repetition of sounds can affect a piece. Metaphors and similes can enhance both meaning and imagery. Repetition of a word or phrase can accomplish several things. It can draw attention to an idea, give a sense of repeated action over a long period of time, or it can draw a reader out almost like a mantra. The sounds of words can affect a work too. They can invoke music or even suggest certain emotions or qualities. There is a device called consonance, which refers to the repetition of consonant sounds whether it is the first letter or an internal one.
âhâ-an aspirate; invokes a feeling of fatigue or hardship in carrying out a specific action
âgâ,âkâ-gutturals; are harsh and conveys difficulty, something strenuous
âbâ,âpâ- bilabial plosives; convey explosiveness
âdâ,âtâ- dental fricatives; still explosive, but signal a winding down in the action
âmâ,ânâ- nasals; hypnotic like a mantra
âlâ- liquid; rolls along, creates a nice flow
Vowels can also be used in this manner, something called assonance. Onomatopoeia, the use of words that imitate sounds, can be a useful device as well. They are loud and have an especially high impact. Personification is another device and can be used to further develop imagery. It can really add to a story when used well. It heightens impact, taking a simple description of a place or the weather up a notch. Synecdoche, the mentioning of a part of something to represent the whole, also improves imagery. An example of this would be something like
A thousand eyes gazed upon him as he nervously walked on stage.
As opposed to
A thousand people looked at him as he nervously walked on stage.
There are really an endless number of devices that can be used. Here is a link to more http://www.virtualsalt.com/rhetoric.htm. Learning how to use language to its full potential and developing an understanding of how everything from syntax to diction can affect a piece is key. You have good ideas, now you need to work on how to better package them. I do like your story; it just needs to be pushed further. I hope I havenât overwhelmed or offended you. As I mentioned once before, Iâm a lit minor, maybe major (havenât decided), so thatâs the source of this type of analysis. I hope this helps you further in developing your story, because I think it has great potential.
I think maybe they should do more of a mix of larger venue shows and smaller shows geared towards the core fan base. The larger venues could have MCIS and SD stuff along with new material, so they could keep the casual fan happy, but also expose them to the new stuff. Hopefully they could then pick up new fans and could also make more money. The smaller gigs could be more of what the Pumpkins themselves want to do- new stuff, b-sides etc. For these shows they could do the secret gig thing or even make use of the fan club idea. I’m not sure about the price increase, as not all of the hardcore fans could afford to go if they did that. A small increase is fine, but making the tickets $100-150 bucks or something really high wouldn’t be too great in the long run.
Maybe there could be an exclusive fan club where you pay a small fee to join, but you also have to take some quiz to get in. Only hardcore fans know a lot about the band and their music, so if the questions were somewhat obscure, that would weed out the people Billy doesn’t want at concerts. Then he could just offer tickets to those people. To prevent those who fail from just looking up the answers to try again, you could have to fill out a form with your name, email adress, payment info, etc. When a person fails their email could be kicked off. People can get new emails, but only a hardcore fan would go through the trouble, so it could work either way. I think it might be kind of cool if their was a new fan club.
I really don’t know what a good solution is, but here’s some ideas. I just hope they find some way to address these issues.
true, he still looks dapper in his own Billy way
i just hope the pumpkins never look on here and see that we are always discussing thier clothes.
I was looking at some other pics from the event and I don’t trhink he made the best dress list. He is significantly dressed down compared to everybody else, but I guess thats Billy.
Yeah, I guess he had 6 zero shirts or something, so he probably does have a closet full someone. He seems to have a habit of wearing the same thing for years.
What I want to know is how many of these striped shirts Billy has. He is always wearing the exact same thing.
I was looking around on YouTube and I found someone who put up the Pumpkin’s performance on David Letterman before Zeitgeist came out with links to download the videos on rapidshare (there isn’t even the cat thing on these ones). They performed Tarantula on that Mon and came back Fri to do Thats The Way My Love Is . There is some extra stuff with Letterman introducing them, but its a cool performance. When it was on tv I almost missed it. I didn’t know about it and it was only a fluke I turned on Letterman in time. Anyway its worth a download I think.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p24om3pVaNE&feature=user[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7vrz-8OEP4&feature=user[/youtube]
I have poked around the collection page as a guest before and I decided to check out the message board part one day. It looked alright so I joined.
yeah, I’m a touchbroke now too. i havn’t checked the rest of the new stuff yet. i just stopped on that one.
i don’t care about the odd swear word so much, as long as its not so profuse to the point of ridiculous and unecessary.
interesting Arthur
The crap I was refering to was not so much the swearing as much as the stalkerish wierd crap you see sometimes thats a little disturbing or stuff like the Siamese Dream girls Netphoria post.
